Saturday, June 19, 2010

Quiet heart

Today is a day, like most other days, the difference lies only in the sweet smell of the summer flowers wafting in the wind. The butterflies and bees are busy, and I watch them go on their predestined path. I wondered how it would be, today, if things were different? If he was still here.....

I had heard that there is more dialog in Canada, regarding Tissue and Organ Donation, and was heartened by the blog I added to the blog roll. The man who write these posts has added many sites that are useful, and sites that he has researched well. I thank him for that. Each person can make a difference in this life, no matter how small or large, it can mean the difference between life and death, between hope and despair.

This blog began as a way for me to keep my promises to my husband, to continue to speak of what can be done for others, to ask why. Yet as I look at the myriads of hopeful stories, the successes of the transplant recipients, the progress in medicine, it makes my heart hopeful. These stories are uplifting, they renew my faith in humanity. Each story, a miracle in itself, restores the faith that was lost to me for a very long time. I am aware that there will be no answers forthcoming, I know that I will never understand why my husband was taken, young and vibrant, full of love and compassion, before he had lived his life fully. But then again, who has not spoken those words after the loss of a loved one? I suppose the knowledge that he lives on in my heart is a small but precious reminder that he was on this earth.

I know that his story has been read, by many people, in many different parts of the world. Yes, it was a painful experience, but it was a neccessary journey for me. To have spared myself would have been so wrong, and to have embelished or omitted the truth would have been inconceivable. I see the butterflies and bees, they are a part of the little miracles in life. I believe in miracles.     


Friday, June 11, 2010

Happy Birthday Darling

Today is my husband's birthday. Today, I thank God that his mother gave birth to the man I called my husband, my friend, my love.

Unassuming, but charming. Loving and kind. Opinionated and passionate. He was all of those things and more. I look at the sky, as blue as his eyes, and think of him with gratitude for the years we spent together, the morning coffee, and the evening wine. The laughter and the music. For all those moments of our lives, there is a deep yearning. It will not return, I know, but what we shared lives on in my memories, in my heart, and in all the things he touched.

We speak of him, those who cannot and will not forget him. It's hard to imagine that he has been gone for two years, two birthdays. It seems like only yesterday that he was here, putting on his golf shoes, checking his bag to make sure he had everything, knowing that he would be back in a few hours. It seems like an eternity that I have held his hand, or felt his touch.

He isn't coming back today. He's golfing on a celestial cloud. Did he get a third hole in one?

I love you and I miss you, husband mine.    

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


Wow! My blog was hacked. I have no idea what happened, and I know it was not my "mistake" that there are missing items. Words that are garbled. I don't have a choice but to pull most of it down.

Whoever did this, I'm not angry. I would like to thank you for making this so easy.  I'm tired. It's taken enough of me, the last few years. Holding others up, and forgetting I needed support. Keeping my public face, and then crying into the night. It is more than anyone should have to put up with, and perhaps it was of my own making. I let it happen. I let myself be pulled into situations I should never have been in. My heart over ruled my mind. Yes, it was hope! Yes, it was love!

There will be one more post, after this, and it will be moved, where no one can find it but those who have asked for my help. Those of you who have read the story, hopefully have learned a little bit about the illness that took my husband, and at some point, on my FB page, I will add links for people if they need the web sites that may be informational and add some semblance of control over the unknown. 

I know that I must be strong. I have to move to another place, one that does not include the toxic effects of the last few years. I am grateful to those who have been supportive and have understood why this blog existed in the first place. While I did not expect the blog to move so soon, I had begun to work on networking for first time kidney patients, adding our experiences with his side effects and symptoms along the way, they were new to us, but might have given some fresh insight for others experiencing similar problems. For now, it is not to be.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for sending it to your family and friends, and I mean that to everyone, and thank you for having been a small part of a story that was bigger than I could ever imagine it would become.    

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