Saturday, March 26, 2011

It doesn't stop

I got a magazine in the mail yesterday. About kidney patients. Well, you're gone now, so why do they still send me this stuff? It brought back a myriad of painful memories, of moments that we had to live, hours, days, weeks and months. You tried to be patient, strong, and hopeful. But you already knew, didn't you? You were never going to get the gift of life. It was torn from you, the joy of a grandchild, the love of your life, it was torn as surely as you rip the weeds out of the ground. The difference is that sometimes the weed comes back. You never will. At least not for real. Not to touch, too feel, to smell your skin. No, only in my deepest dreams do you venture back.

The grandson you have been protecting is here, and I know you have met him. I'm still holding you to the promises you made. I will keep mine, I will not let your life have been taken in vain. But I want to know that you will stand beside me, even as I stand alone, that you will help hold me up, even as I feel as if I want to fall, and that you will be there for the little grandson you know. I wonder what you told him? I saw him smile his angel dream smile, and I wondered if he was still in a special place that we mortals forget about when we get older.

Are you still walking in the park? I thought I saw you there with our dog...smoking a cigar, and walking slowly across the muddy grass. I drove up to look, but you were gone. Only the faintest whiff of that cigar. Or was it my imagination? I will take our little grandson there when the weather is warm. We will take a little walk, and I will begin to make little memories with him. They won't be the same, but they will be memories he can take with him in life.

As for those others, no, I won't let them forget. There were so many of them, so many, and they let you down.

I miss you honey, more than ever. It seems like yesterday that you were here, just a minute ago that we held hands. I know it's supposed to let up, the hurt, and sorrow of missing you, but no, it doesn't stop. I just manage it a little better in front of the world.

Grandpa, you're needed here!

Friday, March 4, 2011

Wish you were here

Well, it's all happening the way you said. Thank you for that. Thank you for your special love, I know you have kept your promise to me. I can't help it though. I can't help but miss you, each and every day of my life. How I wish you were here, to share the joy, to share this incredible feeling. No matter how close you may be to me, I still can't touch you or feel you. All I can say is thank you. I wish you were here.   

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