Friday, December 31, 2010

Another year....

Another year without him, another holiday with the sharp awareness of his absence! I remember his last Christmas! The reality was there, he knew, and he accepted the fate that awaited him. No longer could he speak with those he thougtht were close, he knew the truth. He ignored the calls. We were together, and for however long it would be, he would just be. Is that why holidays remind me of those days?  

He had no faith in promises and lies. Platitudes....they were just that, and he knew it. He loved what was left of the time God gave him, and tried to impart his strength as deeply as it would go. We talked for hours, and New Year's Eve is a precious memory. His laughter is still in the room, echoing, albeit silently, a tinkle of an ornament, a crackle in the fireplace. His love still surrounds us, and I am blessed to have been so loved. 

Yes, I know they read this blog. In Canada, in Germany, yet there is never a comment, never a word of sorrow. So, I think it's a little creepy that they are still so curious, that they still wonder what I write. Why would they care? So, to them I say, "Enjoy. The rest of the story may take you years to find on the Internet, so keep on looking. It is not for your eyes."    

But then, I smile, because of all the things he left behind, his love and tenderness were only for his family. His daughter and his wife, my mom, we were his family, his family of choice, the friends who he wanted to spend time with, were welcomed into our home with a loving heart. The rest, they didn't matter. He man so full of love, but he knew, he had no desire to be hurt anymore, and he wanted to live without pain, in every way. 

So, this year, I unburdened my heart and uncluttered my head. They no longer belong in my world, and I am grateful. They are not worth my time or energy, or even anger. It just takes too much of my time to dwell on what I could not change. I have spoken his words, and I will continue to live by his wishes.

There were so many of them, why couldn't one of them have come forward with a kidney. Why didn't one of them step up to the plate?


something funny

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