Friday, December 2, 2011

A look back

I'm looking at the cards and letters we got from the Christmas of the year before you died. I looked at your card to me, and yes, I cried. You no longer had hope, but you had a heart full of love, and you tried to make life easier for me after you were gone. I didn't believe you would be gone in less than six months. It was inconceivable. Then I saw the family cards and letters. They all knew you needed a transplant, they all knew they should at least try, yet the letters and cards held nothing of promise. Self centered letters, self serving congratulations to themselves, and a tacit lie made to look like concern. Why is it today, when the world should be right, is it all so very wrong?

New advancements in medicine are made every day. I got a copy of the AAKP Renalife Magazine today, and once more read of the low risk of living organ donation, and the fact that living donors have a good quality of life, in spite of the misconceptions and misunderstanding of these facts. Perhaps I didn't do enough to educate them, but I know I tried. After all, they live in the "medical world" and consider themselves medical professionals.

I know it is too late for wishful thinking, but I know how different the world would be if you were here. I read about the latest research and results of familial transplants, and wish there had been another way for me to give you that gift of life. I wish we hadn't waited for their promises and excuses. I don't know if it would have made a difference, I do know that they never tried. Perhaps I was meant to find those letters and cards, to burn them, and to put this behind me for all time, but I feel the void so deeply, there is no way to put this away. You lived, you loved, you were here. Never would you have been so callous and unfeeling as to not do your damnedest to do the "right thing" to "step up to the plate" and as I read these long, drawn out missives of wonderful lives and dreams of others, I wonder if they ever feel the sadness of your loss? Do they admit they never tried? Or do they continue the lie to assuage themselves of the guilt they must surely feel. I will never put this "behind me" because you are still with me. You promised and I believe you keep that promise.

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