Why now?

It has been almost two years since he died. Why now? Why am I finally putting this story online for the world to see? Because it is time for the truth. Not the truth as I wish it were, but the truth as it is. No fiction, no semantics, just the plain hard facts. Until now, I felt that I needed to spare everyone's feelings, to "suck it up" as I was told by a former friend. I then had the good fortune to speak with a person who understood the process of loss and grieving. You mourn a loved one forever, but grief hits you in the heart like a bullet, it shatters you to the very core. It comes, without warning, at the smallest of moments, and you cannot control it.   

There will be those who will be angry that I am telling my husband's story publicly, because it is so much  easier to pretend it never happened.    There will no longer be any questions as to how he became ill, how he waited for a kidney transplant, and how he died. There will be no more denials, fabrications, and lies. The days of pretense are over.

I will put these first words on the page, because they continue to haunt me every day. They are like shards of glass in my heart, and the memory of that moment can never be erased.

"Ask them, ask them! There were so many of them, why couldn't one of them have given me a kidney? They knew it was only my family that could, she knew, they knew. Ask them.  Promise me?" And his tears flowed from those azure blue eyes, onto my cheeks, mingling with mine. He held me, tightly, as I kissed him, over and over, not knowing, not wanting to believe that he would soon be gone from this earth forever.

I will continue to use his words "Ask them." in these blog posts, because to this day, the answers have eluded me. The truth obscured.  One thing I pray is that those who read this blog will remember the small reminders I place within these words.  If it saves just one life, it will be a tribute to the man I love. He will not have died in vain.